Ep. 36: New Year, New Kea

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The podcast where we sip and spill. Welcome back to Tea With Kea. First off, I just want to say happy new year. Okay. It is 2021.
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If you’re listening to this episode right now, that means you made it. Okay. We made it 20, 20 things. We did that. Okay. So just give yourself a pat on the back, Aronda apply a little skips on my little, whatever you got to do. We are here and for that, we are thankful for. And I just also want to say thank you for starting off another year with me. Okay. There are 35 episodes of tea with key this thing, the 36. Okay. So for that alone, I just want to say thank you all for listening. I appreciate y’all. So, so, so, so, so much I do tea with key for you guys looking forward to having more guests on the show this year and dropping some more content on y’all all that jazz. So you know how we do, I’m going to tell y’all what I’m sipping on.
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And I decided to pick one of my favorites, cause I’m just, I’m just in the mood for it. I love, love, love, love, love, passion tea. It’s absolutely delicious. Okay. Hibiscus orange peel, rose hips, passion, fruit, all that jazz. All right. All of that mixed into a lovely cup. And y’all know, I love to put honey in my tea as well. So I am sitting here just, oh, it is. It’s just, I’m just, I’m sitting here having a little sip. If you haven’t a handsome passion tea Tazo makes it y’all know I’m a big fan of Tazo. Um, definitely check it out. It’s a pretty freaking delicious when, uh, you know, I was thinking about all the growth that tea with ki has had, and I really want it to thank my guests for being on the show. You know, it definitely, uh, not only takes time, but you know, people coming onto the show emotionally opening up intellectually and just being able to have that space where we can cover all different topics, people’s passions and so forth.
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So I did something this season that I haven’t done in a very long time. I actually, I mailed cards. I put in an order, if you haven’t already checked her out at signed by Seon, she makes really dope cards, Kiana a good friend of mine, shout out to her. I put an order into her and I was like, yo girl, I want some cards. Can I get some, I’m going to look like this. Like, you know, I am thankful for you new year’s, you know, celebration vibe or whatever. So we had our little brainstorm session, went back and forth, all that jazz. And you know, she put together a little Samsung, something like that. So, you know, if you, uh, if you had your episode on T with key, definitely should have by now, at least gotten your card. Um, however, I will say I sent two cards to individuals who live in the same household and one person got there as another person did it.
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So I’m really confused about that. Cause, uh, it’s, uh, it’s been a minute and, uh, the card wasn’t returned to me. So I’m not really sure if you had an episode on two with key, you should have already received your card or if not, unfortunately, it’s lost in the mail and I don’t know what to do about that. So sorry, but no, for real, for real, thank you to all my guests. I deeply appreciate you guys. So, so, so, so, so much because where would it to with key be without you guys? So for this episode I wanted to, I wanted to get a little personal and I know, you know, I, I’m usually having someone on the show where, you know, I get a chance to ask them questions and it’s more of my guest opening up. But if the spirit of the new year and, you know, taking time to reflect on this past year we’ve had, and just, you know, past versions of ourselves, I, I wanted to do my own little resolution episode.
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I thought to myself, what are some things specific to me, things that are more challenging, something that wants ingrained, I’m going to have to keep utilizing in order to, you know, have that, have that sustain. So, so I narrowed it down to three main goals, notice red flags learn to say no and build confidence, noticing red flags. All right. Uh, that is something that I I’ve struggled with for a while. And not even just like in terms of relationships, but just like, I mean, friendships as well, just, you know, dynamic dynamics with people. And I feel like, I feel like especially this year, I took a lot of time to reflect because I felt, I feel like the biggest thing with me is that there are certain things that I don’t realize are happening again. And then I’m like, oh crap. Yeah. Like that red flag.
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I’m like, I have like this box of red flags and you know, that’s like my path, I’m like another red flag comes along, it’s identical. And I’m just like throwing it in the box, all Willy Milly. I actually used to say it cause I, I talked to my mother and she’d be like, well, you know, key, didn’t you realize this because this isn’t the first time. And I don’t know why at certain points, I’d kind of, uh, what’s the, what’s the phrase where you kind of like make, seem something lesser than it is set or like less bad than it actually is. So I’d be like, oh, like it was a blush flag. Ooh, it’s a lot. I’m really hoping that like the culmination of like all the memories that I like have from relationships with like people, like I said, not only, you know, boyfriends, but you know, just friends as well.
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I’m really hoping that I take those memories and apply them to similar situations in the future so that I don’t end up, you know, her, I don’t end up, you know, wasting a lot of money or wasting a lot of time due to, you know, these red flags that, that I’d already, you know, witnessed in the past. And I think a big thing too, like I said, uh, my mom, you know, she’d be like, well, ki you know, how’d you find yourself in a situation because this has happened, you know, before what I really want to focus on is also listening to the people close to me because, you know, there are times where, like my mom says something, my best friend say something and you know, I think to myself, well, yeah, no, but like I know, like I really know. Yeah. And there were times where that wasn’t the case.
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So I mean, these, these are people who, you know, I pretty much share everything with. And so I think definitely taking more time to actually listen to what the people in my inner circle are staying is definitely gonna help me notice red flags I’m born. So it’s, it’s, it’s like two parts. One is actually noticing problems that I’ve already seen before. And then on top of that, that I can think my mom and my friends for is describing situations and them telling me, wait, hold on, have you actually thought about that? And I think another big point that this is really going to be a struggle for me because it’s not something that I really do. Um, and it makes me feel a little anxious when I even think about it is there have been times where red flags popped up and I could have, and that moment, you know, addressed it with the individual.
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But I always, I have this, um, I don’t know, there’s this tension about like, when things happen and I’m like, in my mind, like, wait, hold up, like what’s going on? I don’t verbalize it. So one of the things I want to work on is like actually asking the question, like when things happen or that this is somebody calling people out. But just really trying to understand in that moment, when a red flag does pop up, being able to talk with a person about yo, like what’s going on, it’s it’s gonna take some time and it’s not going to be easy. Cause like I said, it’s not something that I’m used to, but in the long run, like I said, it’ll definitely help me be heartless in the future. Another thing that I want to work on is learning how to say no. And let me just start off by saying, when I tell ya I could write a book called mama said or something along those lines, because literally my mother has a quote for like, I grew up on quotes, like I’m her mother would like, you know, give her quotes, just, you know, words of wisdom rules to live by whatever you want to call them.
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And my mother would always say, the answer is always, no, the answer is always no, for me, I don’t know why it’s hard to say no, I’ve asked some of my friends and they say, well, you know, you like the peanut please people. And I’m like, okay, well, you know, I do like when everyone’s happy, you know? Cause what in the world, you go to a place where we’re all just, you know, happier, but it’s like, you can’t, you can’t sacrifice your own happiness. I want to, I want to learn how to say no, because I want to start looking out for myself. I want to make me a priority. I, I started therapy like a long time ago and um, I fell off the wagon for a little bit. And then I had to hop back on, you know, sometimes therapy can be like a, a train where you get on the train and uh, you know, you get off at a stop and you know, you explore a little while, but then you hop back on the train eventually.
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But anyways, I remember one of my therapists, she said that it, cause I was talking to her about, you know, how I have trouble saying no? And she was like, well, you know, just say, let me think about it. You know, because I feel like, because if I don’t, if I don’t expect someone to ask me something, when they do ask me something, I just automatically, I’m just like, huh? What? Like sporadic, you know? So I guess it’s like a reflex to say yes, but you know, my therapist was like, say, let me think about it. And I’m just like, yo, that’s actually like a really great answer because you know, when they’re asking you of something, especially if this person is, you know, a friend, like more than just like a random stranger or something like that, um, you know, they should be able to respect you enough to give you time to think about, you know, what their request is.
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If I’m not able to say no immediately in situations to where it is, my first instinct, I definitely want to work on the, let me think about it. I definitely want to think about what I want to do because I have a habit of saying yes, because I think it’s what the person wants me to say. And like I said, I mean, I do like, you know, making people happy. So I guess I’m like, I’ll say yes, I’m like, there’ll be happy. We’ll both be happy. And you know, so, but I need to start realizing that I can’t solely function based off of what I think they think. So like, you know, I can’t, I can’t live my life off of what, you know, expectations are of others. I really want to focus on, even if I am able to really taking the time to think about like, what is being asked of me, do I truly whole heartedly intrinsically want to do that?
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Because most of the time, more than most, more than 50%, like, I don’t even know what percentage, but it’s definitely up there. I typically say yes, but, um, you know, there are days where, you know, I got more bills than normal, you know, stuff comes up, there are days where I’m more exhausted than others. You know, there are days where I just don’t have the time because I already have so much to do. So I really want to start thinking about, am I in a position to say yes, can I say yes? And if not, then I just got to say no, you know? So it, it, it sounds simple just to like utter, like, no, but it’s like, you know, I, I go through these moments where I just start, you know, going through in my brain thinking, well, like if I do say no, like, do you have to give an explanation?
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And then is it good enough? And you know, just all these things when in the grand scheme of things, with the people that I am cool with, if it’s a case where I really can’t come through, they don’t understand, you know? So I just, I really, I really want to work on this. And on top of that, another big reason I want to learn how to really, really be able to say no, is that I don’t want to do things out of character, especially for the people who aren’t right or died. Okay. Because most people in this world are not rider dies. Okay. It takes like a very special person, a very set of shared experiences and just, you know, y’all, y’all y’all know, y’all know, you know, so I definitely want to work on saying no, because I don’t want to do things that like, I normally wouldn’t do just because it’s in the spur of the moment or just because you may have a friendship, but not all friendships are, you know, the strongest, you know what I’m saying?
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Like you, you might go through again at grand canyon for one friend and, you know, you might not even, I don’t even know, like step over a ditch for another, you know what I’m saying? So I definitely don’t want to saying no, because you know, there have been times where, like I did things that I wasn’t proud of, uh, for people who didn’t even deserve those actions of me. So, you know, definitely, um, being able to in that moment and just be like, nah, I can’t, I just, I can’t, I’m trying to focus on a lot of different things this year. You know, in this episode, we’re talking about the main ones that are going to require a lot of energy. So noticing had flags saying no. And the third one, this really kind of transitions, um, from the, you know, saying no portion and, and to a much larger conversation that I could have a lot of, uh, you know, of my close friends are one-on-one, but you know, I really want to work on building my confidence.
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And I’ve said that too. I said that to some people before at one-on-one in person and they’re like, wait, what do you mean? And you know, I start telling them about, you know, moments where I don’t feel confident and they’re just like, well, you give up this energy, you know? And, and I always say, like, I hang out with people who match my energy, you know, like if we vibe, like we going to be vibing. Okay. You know, but I’ve healing. Okay. And, uh, you know, there, uh, there are times where I am definitely, um, off my rocker. Um, I just, you know, just straight up, straight up, you know, and honestly like building confidence, that’s been something that I wanted to work on for a long time. And I’ve, I’ve had back and forth conversations with my mother about this, and I’m going to have to take a sip of this because I’m like, I might start rambling off and I’m gonna throw, it’s going to be like, oh man, that’s the thing about a good hot cup of tea.
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You just got every sip. Just you put it down, you have some chat, you pick it up again. It’s two stills. Every sip, every sip was good. Oh, wow. I don’t even know. I don’t even know where to begin on this one. So I’m gonna, I’m gonna kinda, kinda jump all over the place with this one. But for those of y’all who know me, y’all know how it is. So hang in there, hang in there. Um, so looking back on this past year is when I, especially wished that I had kind of developmentally already been at like a level of confidence that I want it to have, because what, what, I don’t want to happen again in the future. I don’t want to let my own inner internal, you know, insecurities about myself, affect my friendships. And it’s like just saying it out loud.
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It should be like, well, yeah, like, you know, you have your friendship, you want it to last. So clearly how you feel about yourself should not affect how you treat other people, like saying it out loud. It should be straightforward, but it can be hard. It really can be hard. You know? Like you think about the person you are and you think about the person you want to be. And you know, I keep I’ve said this on this episode already. And in past episodes, like we’re not perfect. We’re not perfect. You know, like we, we know that there have been times where I have fallen short as a friend due to the lack of confidence that I have in some of my, in some of my traits, you know? And I really don’t want to find myself in a position to where I’m doubting the person I am.
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And it’s indirectly, negatively impacting my friendships because I don’t ever want to lose a friend just because I, I didn’t believe in the person that I, I know. Okay, I’m a hot commodity. I got it going on. All right, hello. I want to truly, truly be able to fully do that all the time. I want to be able to not fall short of remembering who I am, you know, and I said this because you can have a conversation with somebody, okay. In this case, you know, I have a podcast, I get to talk to you guys, but a lot of different things. But when it comes to, when you’re sitting alone, like by yourself, honestly, truly like being able to be like, you know what? Yeah, I got this, I got this. I want to get to the point to where, even on my own, like when no one else is around, what else is looking, I’m not on social media.
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Like I’m not engaging in conversation on my phone. And like, whatever, like just dead alone, like solely alone, being able to stand on my own two feet confidently, proudly, keep my chin up. My head, held up high, all that, and be able to say the things that I think I am. I truly believe that I want to be able to love myself a hundred percent. Not on like some days, but all days, not half, but whole, you know, like I want to get to that point to where the self love is just like, it’s just, I love myself so much that I’m like, oh my God, like I can marry myself or something like that. You know what I’m saying? I want to get to the point to where I just, I am able to carry myself just all the time through, through whatever, whatever the situation is, no matter who I’m around.
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Like I had an episode a couple episodes ago about, you know, knowing that I’m worth it, I’m worthy, you know, and, and striving to wholeheartedly be like, yes, like I am worthy. Confidence comes along with that, you know? And it’s, it’s like, it’s like the backbone, you know, knowing yourself, knowing your worth, knowing that you have value, no. Being able to tell myself that I deserve good things to happen to me, being able to tell myself that I, you know, deserve, you know, a raise or that like, I deserve love. I deserve, you know, all the good things that have the potential of happening to me. Like I deserve those things. You know, I want to be able to tell us about accomplishments, realize how far I’ve gotten to pat myself on the back. You know, there are so many times where people say, do you know how lucky you are?
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No. What you have. And you know, it’s crazy because, you know, I used to think to myself, like, dang, doing enough. And I’m like, what the heck? Why am I sitting here? I think to myself, am I doing enough? You know, of course you can always, you can always do more. But being able to like, actually sit down with yourself and being like, dang, like I did some things, you know, like shoo, I am, look, I am a black woman in America. Okay. Every day, no day is promised no day at all. Okay. I’m an Ivy league graduate. Okay. Cornell university, not everyone, but just anyone gets into Cornell. Okay. Now anyone, if you get in, not everyone graduates, that was hard. Okay. I actually know hardest understatement. It was the most challenging things. If not the most challenging thing that I have done in my life, being able to, you know, at 18 say, well, 17 going on 18 and say, Hey, you know what?
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I am going to go to college, uh, 500 over 500 miles away from my hometown. The only home that I have ever known, being able to, you know, once I graduated say, Hey, I’m going to move to Atlanta. And I’d only been in Atlanta, literally like 48 to 72 hours before deciding that I was actually going to live here. You know, those are things that I accomplished. Okay. And those all took competence, knowing, knowing that I have made so much progress and being able to say, I know that I can continue to make progress because I I’m confident in my abilities. I want to be able to give myself credit where credit is due. I want to, I really want to, you know, when I first moved to Atlanta and people would be like, oh, you know what college you go to. And I’d just be like, okay.
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I went to college out of state. Cause I always had this fear. If I said I went to Cornell, then they would just, you know, have these assumptions about me and just have all these high expectations. And, you know, it was ultimately due to a lack of confidence that I had in myself. You know, I want to be able to say proudly, like, yes, like I went to Cornell university, you know, it was very challenging, not even just like intellectually, but also, you know, physically as well. Okay. I’ve definitely said some things about my appearance that I am not necessarily proud of. Okay. And things that I will not be sharing on this episode, but for the people listening who are, you know, close to me, you know, that there have been times where I have not been so nice to myself, my friends would be like, you’re not talking about my friend like that and I’d have to take a step back because you know, there would be times where I would just, I would just say things about myself so much that it kind of became ingrained in my, my behavior, which was ultimately result of it being, you know, ingrained in my mind.
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And my friends had to check me, okay. My friends had to check me. My mom had to check me. I had to put me in my place and say, yo, you could not talk about yourself like that. You know? And I, you know, in the beginning I’d be like, oh, like, you know, I’m just kidding. But you know, all our jokes stem from, you know, what, what you truly believe. So I don’t want to find myself in that boat to where I’m saying, I’m putting myself down or saying things negatively about myself. You know, I, I, I want, I don’t just want to, I need to be in a position to where I’m hyping myself up as much as I’m hyping up other people being able to truly believe. And the things that I’m saying about myself and ultimately, you know, be, be my biggest fan, you know, be like, Hey, can you look in good?
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Like key, oh, you got a good head on your shoulders, you know, just be, be in that boat. And like I said, it’s going to definitely take time. I think that with all of these things that I want to work on, you know, not even I even just this year, because like I said, it’s definitely, it’s going to take a lot of effort. It’s going to take me being aware, constantly aware, and it’s going to be a lot. It’s going to be loud, but I I’m, I’m ready for it. I I’m, I’m really, really looking forward to progressing, to growing. Like I’m, I’m in a different life stage than I was when I first moved to, you know, I’ve, I’ve been living in this, you know, quote unquote adult world for a while. And I have the experience I have, I have the support group to be able to accomplish, you know, these, these goals for the listeners out there who have been with me before, you know, what point it is in the episode, for those of you who have not been with me before today, what I love to do is to have takeaway points and looking back on my three main goals for this year, I think I can kind of sum up how I can accomplish them.
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So for noticing red flags, I, I really think listening to the people closest to me is going to help me the most, being able to help point out to me, things that I may have not realized. I think for learning how to say no, truly saying no. I need to think about making myself my main priority, looking out for myself. That’s, that’s what it’s really going to take. And as far as building confidence, I really have to look at where I am right now. Look at how far I’ve gotten, how much I’m done up to now and just really remind myself like I’m a boss. I, I am literally a boss. Okay. What I’ve wanted to do if I wanted, if I wanted to do something, I did it. I made it happen. Okay. Knowing that I’m it. Okay. I’m it. I hope that each and every one of you out there is able to accomplish what you set out to achieve in 2021. I have a really good feeling that this year is going to be better than the last. It may not necessarily. It’s not going to be easy. It’s not going to be easy, but I trust, I trust that we will make this year better than the last one. Thanks for listening to Tea With Kea.